I Love, You Love...

When I got to listen to this song, I felt connected to it. Something in the words that John Legend wrote made me set my minds into deep thoughts.

In a failing relationship, or a relationship nearing its unfortunate end, there are always two sides - one who is willing to let go, and someone who doesn't or let's say "can't let go." And as most of you won't agree, it will always be the latter whose on the losing game. They are the people who tends to get hurt the most, who probably cries the most and will probably be the ones who will move on the longest.

Would this be good enough to say that the losing side have loved more than the other one?

Consider me biased, but I would say "yes." Although not all the time, but MOST of the time. Consider this logic (or if it even makes logic at all), if the other side has loved as much as the losing side, would they even have doubts of letting go. Love isn't a "maybe" or "i'll think about it." It is either a concrete YES or a concrete NO. Those are the only options. The former may have loved the latter but for sure it is the latter that have love the most.

Most of you would think I am stupid. Or illogical. Or whatever. That what I am trying to say is just the basic setup.. that love is complicated. But isn't it that the only main thing that binds a relationship is love? Would you have a relationship with someone without love?

What's so hard about the losing side is that they tend to keep the faith. And hope. And hold on. And why would the latter hold on for someone that has let go.. someone that has left them hurting... and grieving.. Isn't the pain enough for them to let go? Does the pain brought to them give them justice? Or maybe, just maybe, at an unknown and unexpected spur of a moment - something will happen - a twist of fate, a miracle in the sky or a rainbow after the storm. But in the end, all they get are failed expectations, false hopes and deeper feeling of pain, only to realize that their love story isn't like fairytales and love stories and life has indeed played unfair to them. And they simply have no choice but to accept it, cry it out and move on, hoping the next time they take the ride, nobody leaves no one.

But how do we know when to stop? Do you close yourself to the idea of hoping? Or stop when we have been hurt enough, not by the former, but by yourself?

Do you we even hope in the first place?

-1R4P3-

Busy Me...

Julian is busy...

1. Being placed on the hotseat by their Project Manager...

2. Relaxing his neck and head so that he can hold the violin without using his hands...

3. Looking at multitudes of pictures of photographers thinking he can make shots as good as what they have...

4. Trying to make weaves, butterflies, wraps and flowers using socks filled with crumpled paper...

5. Making sure that his crops won't rot, waiters and chefs won't get tired and he gets to attack people who robbed, fought and hit-listed him...

6. Trying to review his physiology, genetics and virology books, despite the fact the he has no use for it... and he has stacks of pocketbooks and mags to finish...

7. And confused organizing his music files into folders, playlists and ensures that every file has an album art and belongs to a playlist.. this is on top of his future downloads...

8. Scouring the web for the best gay independent films...

9. Getting in touch with all of his friends...

10. Making his heart beat again...





and...


Julian is busy..... writing all other things he wanted to busy himself on...

So many questions....

1. Why is it that everytime I'd try to move on, you'd always call my name back?

2. Why is it that everytime you call my name back, I'd tell myself, "I am not moving on."?

3. Why is it that everytime you don't make a move, I miss you a lot?

4. Why is it that everytime I miss you a lot, I get so paranoid?

5. Why is it that everytime I end up waiting, I turn from patient to bitter?

6. Why is it that everytime I get mad at you, it never shows?

7. Why is it that despite the madness I feel, just one touch from you, and everything I hated about you just disappears?

8. Why is it that I feel hurt but I don't wanna stop the pain?

9. Why do I hate that I love you?

10. Why you?

Seduce Me

Tick!

it all starts with YOU. YOU being single and alone, needs to feel that YOU are loved. cared for. someone to be with. someone to talk to. a friend, but YOU seriously needed more than that.

YOU surfed. signed in to every social networking site YOU know of - pinoyg4m, manjam, dudesnude, downelink, planetromeo, and YOU even still be wishing fabuloush was still up and running, and checked.. stared through pictures and videos made available. YOU logged on to your favorite mirc chatrooms - bi-manila and salsalan - just to find what YOU are looking for.

"hi, just read your profile. i find YOU interesting. blah blah blah. maybe we can chat sometime... here's my YM id.. talk to YOU soon..."

"im looking for someone to chat with. sensible guy here..."

it's taking YOU hours to find one. or perhaps to get a reply. YOU ran out of manjam viewing slots for the day coz YOU are not a premium member. your eyes get sore reading long but useless profiles. YOU get stucked with guys YOU know YOU can never have. YOU open links with pictures of a hot guy but then he is only looking for sex.. a j/o buddy or an SOP...

after a few hours of uneventful searching, YOU finally realize to end the day. maybe tomorrow, luck will finally struck you. but before YOU hit the signout button of one of the networking sites, a pink box shows up and says, "YOU have a message" eager to know who was that guy, YOU clicked on "yes" to read the message..

"hi there. thanks for sending me a message. here's my YM id. i'm online now..."

apparently, luck has struck YOU earlier than expected. YOU immediately opened up your YM messenger and added him up. and ping. YOU are now talking to each other. a smooth conversation comes between the both of YOU. YOU talk about anything under the sun, the basics, the usual NASLs and just everything "discussable.." unfortunately, one has to go. and it wasn't you. YOU certainly hoped that the conversation wouldn't end even if work was waiting for YOU the next day.

"can i have your number?"

YOU, without hesitations gave your number.. hoping he'd give YOU a ring or something.. and then there was goodbye. YOU never got the chance to get his number. your work has paid off. YOU are gonna be sleeping soundly and with a smile tonight. but before the bed bugs started to bite, YOU feel your cellphone vibrating. it was him. it was just a number, but YOU certainly know it was him. your instinct never failed you.

the conversation continued. its like the night would never end. YOU were finishing each other's sentences and filling up each others interests. the guy decided it was better off done over the phone, so he asks for your home phone. "message sent" then your landline starts ringing.

after realizing that YOU really needed to end the day, coz it was actually starting, there goes the long goodbye. YOU feel the chills on your spine, YOU feel the goosebumps and YOU noticed that your heart quite skipped a beat.

the next day YOU started the morning wth happiness and eagerness. YOU pick up your phone. checked for new messages. ignored every message until YOU find his. and there it was. YOU felt so happy he never forgot YOU. YOU read his message over and over again. mumbling. and smiling. your like one anime character with hearts on his eyes and superblushy cheeks. YOU cant concentrate coz YOU are thinking of him. YOU been caught staring at your computer screen but YOU say "what the heck!"

after a few exchange of SMSs YOU realize he wasn't replying anymore. YOU tell yourself that he might just be busy. he might just be doing something else. or perhaps, he must have run out of battery power. YOU decide to let this pass. a few hours later, YOU decided to send him a message. eagerly waited for a reply, but again. no respone. YOU again tell yourself reasons. be patient. YOU end the day no getting any message from him. YOU feel sad. YOU feel lonely. YOU start to lose patiience.

YOU tried to reach out through his social networking account. YOU send him message. gentle messages. "how are you?" "why haven't YOU replied?" "are YOU busy?" he's not online. maybe he'll reply the moment he gets it. again, YOU tried to make patience a virtue. YOU sent him a bunch of undemanding SMSs. still no reply. YOU tried to call him through his phone - busy tone.

another day has passed, YOU checked on your account - no replies. YOU tried to call him, no answer. YOU start to become a ticking bomb, yet YOU realize that was not gonna help. so YOU try to think. to reason out his actions. maybe he lost his phone. maybe he doesnt have phone credits. may his phone was stolen. or maybe he broke his phone. your imagination goes way out of reality to rationalize what's happening.

your patience is over. YOU are mad. but apparently don't have reasons to. YOU send him another set of messages. "why won't YOU talk to me..." "did i do something wrong?" "why have't YOU replied?" "just tell me if YOU don't want me around?" "is it to hard for YOU to reply?" YOU opened your YM and started messaging him the same messages. a few minutes later, he gets online. YOU realize he has read your messages but never replied to them. then his YM ID shows online, YOU started asking him the same questions. YOU have become naughtier. more impatient. and bitter. 30 minutes have passed. a bunch of messages. a bunch of pings and buzzes. no reply. an hour, and YOU still haven't given up. and hour and a half. 2 hours...

"what? im busy"

"so spare me now okay"

YOU felt a drop of water roll down your cheeks. goosebumps started getting back but it wasn't the same as before. YOU realize tonight will be one of your worst nights ever.

it wasn't YOU who was the ticking bomb. it was him. YOU have made him a ticking bomb. YOU realize that it was over. it was never over, cause it never even started...

...some things are just better left unknown...

Go!

I was in Trinoma last week strolling around when I heard someone playing when I passed by National Bookstore. I turned out that they were having music played at the ground floor lobby from 6 - 8 pm and on deck was a violinist and a guitarist. They made good combination and sounds together that I decided to sit for a while and listen. Relaxing.

And it came to my mind that I wanted to try something new. Play a musical instrument. The only instrument I learned to play was a flute and that was because it was required in school. So, I decided, I wanted to play the violin.

Now when I viewed a video of Samvel Yervinyan play the violin. I was struck with amazement. I can do this!

Yeah!! Now, all I need I a violin and a set of violin classes to get me going!!

Quick Peek..

I can fairly describe last week as my most irritating! I had a lot of irritating moments that I just can't over it...

Let me tell you why...

FIRST! The heat... The EXCRUCIATING heat. Yeah, I know its summer and we are all supposed to enjoy the heat and the sun. Oh no! Not me. I hate the sun. Ever since the uber-hot, record-making temperature a few days ago, it appears that it keeps getting hotter and hotter... Ang init!!!! Never did I woke up dry.. (Not because I had wet dreams! Ha ha!)

SECOND... The MRT... In the MRT, most of the benches could only accomodate 5 persons. In the event that the persons seated are slim or skinny, another slot could be available. However, kung isa sa 5 umupo eh naiwan sa kusina, may makakaupo pa naman, hindi nga lang sya makakasandal... When I rode the MRT last night... a fat guy took the sixth slot. Ang nakakainis dun, pinipilit pa nyang sumandal, can't you see hindi na magkasya... Tapos sya pa ang may ganang mag-make face. Papayat ka kaya...

(And what's gross about it, if a sweaty guy/girl is about to fit himself/herself to the slot... and piliting sumandal... and his / her sweaty armpit or arms gets in contact with you... all fresh and all perfumed up.. just imagine (ew!)

THIRD... Bitches... Male bitches! I'm a convicted bitch, there's no doubt and contest about it. However, I don't do what this bitch just did... When I was in Trinoma last Sunday with a friend of mine.. we were about to enter FnH, this star-studded guy stared at me from head to toe. Not in a simple curious way, but in a "hey-you-stupid-guy-bitch-that-looks-like-"eeew!"-i'm-still-the-diva-so-back-off!" way. I would normally dismiss it and moved on. But then he did it again in a "you-didn't-get-what-i-am-saying-you-damn-bitch...-oh-yes-i-am-the-diva-so-get-out-of-my-way!!" way. WTF! Again, I dismissed it (I'm to build patience!). So we went inside the store. Checked out a couple of shirts and went out. Everything was supposed to be fine but... WTF! He was there again, doing it for the third time in a "what-the-fuck-you're-still-here-bitch?-aren't-you-gonna-stay-out-of-my-way-huh?-make-way-for-the-diva-bitch!" way! This made me boiling hot...

You don't have any right to look at me that way... First, I ain't flaunting or trying to make papansin.. or to impress you... Second, hindi ka ka-gwapuhan! (baka gusto mo bayaran ko pa treatment mo! - and kahit ikaw pa ultimate crush ko, baka sampalin pa kita jan) And third, wala akong ginagawa sau no. (feeling ka!)

.......you know what I did? I dismissed it...

FOURTH... People who doesn't have the decency to reply when they initially started an important conversation. A few days ago, a Recruitment Officer sent me a text message asking if I still wanted to pursue an internal job application for a position I applied for which I then retracted, she asked for my preferred time to be interviewed over the phone which would happen on April 16. (Take note, the message was sent APRIL 16!!). With nothing to lose and a chance to get the promotion, I replied that I'd love to do the it and gave a time frame for the interview. I then followed up with another message asking if it was "tonight" (time message was received was in the afternoon) or "tomorrow."

....Two days passed. No interview. No reply from her. Pasalmat sya marami akong ginagawa these past two days at hindi ko sya ma-email. Lagot sya sakin sa Lunes. Red email ka sakin... CC ko pa sa mga manager! Tsk tsk!

AND THE LAST... Mga taong demanding... at mga taong di marunong mag-appreciate... We were asked to renovate the Site Board... for the client visit... Syempre, di ka naman pwedeng tumanggi dahil manager yung nagequest. With the deadline set at the end of the day... limited resources... three appointed persons and another wall waiting to be renovated... and the regular pile-up of reports... Sino ba namang hindi ma-iistress? Masakit mag-stretch ng braso ng lalo na't hindi pantay ung ginagawa mo, diba?

Pinasa ko na nga sa kasama ko ung reports ko para magawa ko to... And I have been doing this since the start of my shift, tapos hihiritan mo ako ng "ang tagal"?!?! Eh kung ikaw kaya gumawa nito? Baka nakaalis na at nakabalik na ng US ung client hindi ka pa tapos dyan. And take note when I said I'll finish this EOD, I said "hopefully" by the EOD! Sana a little consideration naman diba? Hindi nmn kasi ikaw ang phsyical na gumagawa neto eh. Nag-uutos ka lang...

I think you know kung sino yung taong di marunong mag-appreciate. She never uttered the words "thank you" from the time we started this shit. I know, its part of the job ("any task that will be given by the lead"), but then again, mas masaya at mas nakakatuwa at nakakagaan ng feeling na kahit pagod ka na.. may nakaka-appreciate pa diba? Much more kung ung taong yon eh yung nag-utos sau...


I'm looking forward to a happy week! Hopefully! :)

2009!

it always feels the same. i always feel the same. the feeling of excitement. joy. fun. happiness. perkiness. just everything positive. its almost an hour past midnight with "happy by lighthouse family" on my player and now i've started to go over what 2008 meant for me.

"who says you can't be happy all the time... i'm still gonna try" 

there are so many things and happenings to be thankful for. good memories. good things. good experiences. a lot of memories to be cherished and remembered. 

and amidst all those, there are these bad times. bad happenings. may be even worse. but then again, as we all would say, let us not dwell on such things. let us learn from it. remember them only to remind us of the lessons we need to learn so as not to commit the same mistakes again. 

just another fresh  start for me. this year. 2009.

happy new year to everybody!

Grrrr!

i was about to write about happy mornings when i decided not to.

dahil naiinis ako.

you wanna know why?

philippine taxes! damn it.

instead of being happy and merry dahil, yey! sweldo na.. 13th month and all that... you suddenly see your taxes!

shit!

and now, ang perang ilalaan sa mga bagay-bagay na dapat paglaanan, will just go down the drain and end up on motherfucking stupid politicians' purses and pockets!

my hard-earned money, only to feed their stupid asses?

that's crap!

Un-ordinary

i thought this day would be as normal as i could possibly imagine. with the usual deliverables, calls and reports. nothing can make this different.

as i was going through what i am supposed to do... someone came and asked us to log off our PCs, take our belongings and go down. i wondered what was the order about. i noticed, everyone was packing up too. stuffing their things into their lockers and gathering on the elevator platforms. 

and so we followed. as we got into the elevator and as it went down, we were suprised to a multitude of employees waiting outisde the building. but what stood up among the crowd are the uniform clad men with the letters S-W-A-T at the back of their jackets.

just as i thought. a bomb threat. ok. so where do we go? i started looking for people. my former teammates, my batchmates and  just basically everyone i know. 

and we spent more than 3 hours of "petiks" mode. and as every agent was happy about being in this situation, i was kinda worried that my reports are piling up. and i would end up rendering OT to finish them. but hell, what can i do?

so i just sucked it up. and had fun. it was a night of bonding... like a company camp-out.. or an intercompany camp-out.

at some point, i wished there was an explosion. (well after everybody has been safely evacuated). just so as to make it more exciting. (bad bad!)

ayun lang. 

(you might have seen this in the news. gma. abs-cbn. rpn. were there. ha ha. sweet short exposure... i wasn't interviewed. never!)

(and as expected. the police always comes late...)

ladies choice

i just got off the MRT north avenue station, and my stomach is taking me to place where it could satisfy himself. its been growling ever since i stepped out of the office. so my stomach, with the help of my legs, led me to the nearest booth - waffle time. hmmm. smells good. a customer was just about to leave after she got her order, and i was about to make mine.

 

after placing my order, a guy came and asked, "wala kayong ham and cheese?" there was none. so the guy opted to get a tuna waffle.

 

there was nothing wrong about what he ordered.  when we're both done with taking our waffles and paying for what was due, we both left the booth. him going first. he went down the stairs (the one going to trinoma entrance and took the stairs on the right - side where the escalator is located).

 

what i noticed about him is the bag he was carrying. a black united colors of benetton bag. the famous black one. used by women. a shoulder bag. i dunno. i know you know it. and he was carrying it with no hesitations and as if it was owned by his girlfriend and was just doing a favor for his girl since she was his girlfriend. but he wasn't with anyone. he was alone.

 

what i noticed more, is that he acted so manly. for a person with a relatively useless or no gaydar at all, they wouldn't have second thoughts about him being straight. while i was following him down the stairs, i was trying to get a hint of his actions (the finger flicker, the hip and booty shaking, the stares, among others) and get a glimpse if he is one of us. unfortunately, there wasn't even a flinch of those gay-slash-bisexual-slash-discreet moves. 

 

then it came to my mind, what is he (or are they) trying to prove? is he becoming more manly by bringing a ladies bag, like "hey, look at me, i can carry a ladies bag at no ease, am i hot or what?" or perhaps have men become more open with metrosexuality that even straight (or should i say "straight-acting") men tend to cater to the women's fashion?

 

as we ended the stairs, i started brushing off the questions in my mind and left him find his way. with the bag. on his shoulder. 

 

just another morning with a thousand questions. and another rant-and-rave post.