the only exception

i could've sworn that i am totally attracted to your smile. yes, i'm guilty for staring at you. that night when we are all sat on one table, enjoying the night, your smile was just so perfect and mesmerizing you made my eyes glued to you. and your stare gives me the strength to pull away.

i could've sworn that the touch on the hips meant something. i joked you about something you'd promised to tell. and while we waited for the doors to open, you pinched me on my waist and it never left there. i decided not to leave and spend the rest of the night with you and your housemates despite the consequences.

i could've sworn that my night went perfect. that night our lips were on a silent rendezvous. our hands locked like the key was thrown away for good. and our bodies felt each others warmth. simple bliss on a silent night.

i could've sworn that i loved the surprise kiss you made. as we made our way to a bread shop that morning we held hands despite the people staring at us. and while i waited on at the door of that shop, you surprised me with a kiss on the cheek in public, in front of other buyers and the cashiers. i should feel uncomfy that you did it - but i didn't.

i could've sworn that i will never regret the whole day i spent with you. you had your mood swings and "pagatataray", but i thought it was rather sweet. your surprised kisses and hugs just swept me off my feet. it was then i decided i was going for this...

i could've sworn that you are the only exception. i know and i am expecting that i'd be hurt in the end, but still i refuse to stop, cause the feeling brought about this is just so overwhelming. i'd soon run out of reasons to be happy - once this is over - but that's ok. i have been living my life that way for long now, so it's not something i'd feel surprised about.



i could've sworn that i am loving you now...

ang mahalaga...

alam ko naman na mali.

maling mali.

pero hindi ko napigilan.

sinubukan ko pigilan.

nagustuhan ko rin.

pero kahit na gusto ko.

nasasaktan ako.

sobra.

bawat oras.

bawat minuto.

bawat sandali.

ok lang na masaktan.

totoo naman.

hindi ko lang matanggap.

ang kalokahang ipinipilit kong ipasok.

sa puso at sa isip ko.



ilang beses din.

ilang pagkakataon din.

may nasirang pagkakaibibigan.

may masisira pang pagkakaibigan.

hindi lang yung pagkakaibigan namin.

pati yung atin.



handa naman ako.

kung paano ka nilaglag ng minahal mo.

ganun din ako.

alam ko naman na pwedeng dumating dito.

ok na to.

matatanggap ko rin to.

mauuntog din ako.

matututo din ako.

patuloy na uusad.

patuloy na lalakad.

patuloy na makikipagsapalaran.



ayoko lang na dumating ang oras.

wala na ako maramdaman.

na kahit ano.

sa kahit kanino.

kahit kailan.

at kahit saan.




ang mahalaga sakin.

kahit minsan sa aking buhay.

nagpakatotoo ako.

So many questions....

1. Why is it that everytime I'd try to move on, you'd always call my name back?

2. Why is it that everytime you call my name back, I'd tell myself, "I am not moving on."?

3. Why is it that everytime you don't make a move, I miss you a lot?

4. Why is it that everytime I miss you a lot, I get so paranoid?

5. Why is it that everytime I end up waiting, I turn from patient to bitter?

6. Why is it that everytime I get mad at you, it never shows?

7. Why is it that despite the madness I feel, just one touch from you, and everything I hated about you just disappears?

8. Why is it that I feel hurt but I don't wanna stop the pain?

9. Why do I hate that I love you?

10. Why you?

Tick!

it all starts with YOU. YOU being single and alone, needs to feel that YOU are loved. cared for. someone to be with. someone to talk to. a friend, but YOU seriously needed more than that.

YOU surfed. signed in to every social networking site YOU know of - pinoyg4m, manjam, dudesnude, downelink, planetromeo, and YOU even still be wishing fabuloush was still up and running, and checked.. stared through pictures and videos made available. YOU logged on to your favorite mirc chatrooms - bi-manila and salsalan - just to find what YOU are looking for.

"hi, just read your profile. i find YOU interesting. blah blah blah. maybe we can chat sometime... here's my YM id.. talk to YOU soon..."

"im looking for someone to chat with. sensible guy here..."

it's taking YOU hours to find one. or perhaps to get a reply. YOU ran out of manjam viewing slots for the day coz YOU are not a premium member. your eyes get sore reading long but useless profiles. YOU get stucked with guys YOU know YOU can never have. YOU open links with pictures of a hot guy but then he is only looking for sex.. a j/o buddy or an SOP...

after a few hours of uneventful searching, YOU finally realize to end the day. maybe tomorrow, luck will finally struck you. but before YOU hit the signout button of one of the networking sites, a pink box shows up and says, "YOU have a message" eager to know who was that guy, YOU clicked on "yes" to read the message..

"hi there. thanks for sending me a message. here's my YM id. i'm online now..."

apparently, luck has struck YOU earlier than expected. YOU immediately opened up your YM messenger and added him up. and ping. YOU are now talking to each other. a smooth conversation comes between the both of YOU. YOU talk about anything under the sun, the basics, the usual NASLs and just everything "discussable.." unfortunately, one has to go. and it wasn't you. YOU certainly hoped that the conversation wouldn't end even if work was waiting for YOU the next day.

"can i have your number?"

YOU, without hesitations gave your number.. hoping he'd give YOU a ring or something.. and then there was goodbye. YOU never got the chance to get his number. your work has paid off. YOU are gonna be sleeping soundly and with a smile tonight. but before the bed bugs started to bite, YOU feel your cellphone vibrating. it was him. it was just a number, but YOU certainly know it was him. your instinct never failed you.

the conversation continued. its like the night would never end. YOU were finishing each other's sentences and filling up each others interests. the guy decided it was better off done over the phone, so he asks for your home phone. "message sent" then your landline starts ringing.

after realizing that YOU really needed to end the day, coz it was actually starting, there goes the long goodbye. YOU feel the chills on your spine, YOU feel the goosebumps and YOU noticed that your heart quite skipped a beat.

the next day YOU started the morning wth happiness and eagerness. YOU pick up your phone. checked for new messages. ignored every message until YOU find his. and there it was. YOU felt so happy he never forgot YOU. YOU read his message over and over again. mumbling. and smiling. your like one anime character with hearts on his eyes and superblushy cheeks. YOU cant concentrate coz YOU are thinking of him. YOU been caught staring at your computer screen but YOU say "what the heck!"

after a few exchange of SMSs YOU realize he wasn't replying anymore. YOU tell yourself that he might just be busy. he might just be doing something else. or perhaps, he must have run out of battery power. YOU decide to let this pass. a few hours later, YOU decided to send him a message. eagerly waited for a reply, but again. no respone. YOU again tell yourself reasons. be patient. YOU end the day no getting any message from him. YOU feel sad. YOU feel lonely. YOU start to lose patiience.

YOU tried to reach out through his social networking account. YOU send him message. gentle messages. "how are you?" "why haven't YOU replied?" "are YOU busy?" he's not online. maybe he'll reply the moment he gets it. again, YOU tried to make patience a virtue. YOU sent him a bunch of undemanding SMSs. still no reply. YOU tried to call him through his phone - busy tone.

another day has passed, YOU checked on your account - no replies. YOU tried to call him, no answer. YOU start to become a ticking bomb, yet YOU realize that was not gonna help. so YOU try to think. to reason out his actions. maybe he lost his phone. maybe he doesnt have phone credits. may his phone was stolen. or maybe he broke his phone. your imagination goes way out of reality to rationalize what's happening.

your patience is over. YOU are mad. but apparently don't have reasons to. YOU send him another set of messages. "why won't YOU talk to me..." "did i do something wrong?" "why have't YOU replied?" "just tell me if YOU don't want me around?" "is it to hard for YOU to reply?" YOU opened your YM and started messaging him the same messages. a few minutes later, he gets online. YOU realize he has read your messages but never replied to them. then his YM ID shows online, YOU started asking him the same questions. YOU have become naughtier. more impatient. and bitter. 30 minutes have passed. a bunch of messages. a bunch of pings and buzzes. no reply. an hour, and YOU still haven't given up. and hour and a half. 2 hours...

"what? im busy"

"so spare me now okay"

YOU felt a drop of water roll down your cheeks. goosebumps started getting back but it wasn't the same as before. YOU realize tonight will be one of your worst nights ever.

it wasn't YOU who was the ticking bomb. it was him. YOU have made him a ticking bomb. YOU realize that it was over. it was never over, cause it never even started...

...some things are just better left unknown...

The Formula

Hangover

i planned on getting drunk specially at this VL-allotted night. an event held on malate's hottest bar. and getting laid was always an option. so after meeting a couple of friends at araneta and pedro gil. off we go. the crowd hasn't thickened the way it should be. but at that moment, i can feel the energy. meeting a few folks here. meeting a lot of guys i missed. and being introduced to some other guys around. i was set to have a good time.

Plus

we went out, momentarily. to buy cancer sticks. and by that time the crowd has already blossomed into full spring. nevertheless, we tried to push our way into the crowd to get in the other side of the bar. i noticed that i can feel my earphone cord being lifted. thought it was just hooked on to something. but then as we along trying to get into the seemingly unpassable crowd, a strong pull was made with my earphone. being overly annoyed by what happened, i took my earphone and traced it til the end. unfortunately, it did end.

My

instinctively my hand reached for my left pocket. fuck. shit. oh my god. fuck. and like a hand with its own brain, my right hand reached for my right pocket. fuck. shit. fuck talaga. 

"shit. yung ipod and phone ko. shit. shit talaga."

i panicked. shit. shit. shit. its not so me panicking in these situations. i have been known to stay calm in most situations. but hell. yes. i am panicking. i am freaked out. and i am panicking. i rushed to the stairs. went up. passed through the hallway and went out. thinking he might be out there somewhere.

Withdrawal

i had another friend call my phone. not available. shit. this is shit. i was holding my earphones on my right hand. i was so angry and frustrated that i threw my earphones away. towards a pile of trash. and had not decided to get them. where am i gonna use it for anyways? it turned out that i just one of the few people inside who'll be leaving without a cellphone. the only difference i s, i'll be leaving the place without a cellphone and without an ipod.

Syndromes

as more friends knew what happened. i realized some of my friends were in the same boat too. time to build a lost cellphones club. damn. and at that moment everything just started going into my mind.

"sana mamatay na sya in 5 days" (and i specifically said 5 days). 

"sabihin nyo nang masama ang sinabi ko, pero mas masama pa rin sya."

it even came to a point that i said...

"sana pati asawa nya. anak nya. mahal nya sa buhay. wala akong pakialam. kung demonyohan lang ang laban, hindi ko sya uurungan.."

someone even joked by saying

"eh pano kung walang asawa un? beki pala?"

"eh di mamatay na bf nya!"

questions came..

"why does it have to happen to me..."

"what if i never came to this place.."

"what if... why..."

Equals

that night i decided to really get drunk. and a glass of blue frog did the job. plus the sounds and the moves helped. every now and then they'd hear me say "shet. phone ko..." shet... ipod ko" "fuck tlga... fuck tlga..."

i would reach on both of my pockets and i get nothing. a hollow space on the left. change on the right. 

up until this moment. as i write this post and recall that night. every now and then, i'll say those words. i'll be asking "what if's" like a prayer done over and over. 

was not even able to concentrate at my job last night. every now and then i utter the same old words. i'd try to get over it by saying "o wala bang ipod dyan?" "may binebenta bang disposable ipod dyan?"

i slept in a friend of my friend's house after the party. and on our way home. before we rode the jeep, i said...

this is... 

worse than a break-up...

final thoughts...

i've been in this shit before. it's my third time. but i guess this third time struck me the hardest. one, i wasn't even drunk when i was stolen. second, as others would say, "look at the bright side, there always something good in everything that's happening.." i can't think of any. and third, haven't had my phone and ipod for even a year!

or maybe i'm just overreacting. but hell. losing a phone (5310) and a 160 gb ipod video. and being single for this long. no, it's not overreacting. i'd rather go through a break-up than having a severe headache and a severe longing for things that has become literally your companion and has been taken away from you... more like a part of you has been taken away..

short rave!

and Z. hindi pa ako naglalandi non, ok?