ang mahalaga...

alam ko naman na mali.

maling mali.

pero hindi ko napigilan.

sinubukan ko pigilan.

nagustuhan ko rin.

pero kahit na gusto ko.

nasasaktan ako.

sobra.

bawat oras.

bawat minuto.

bawat sandali.

ok lang na masaktan.

totoo naman.

hindi ko lang matanggap.

ang kalokahang ipinipilit kong ipasok.

sa puso at sa isip ko.



ilang beses din.

ilang pagkakataon din.

may nasirang pagkakaibibigan.

may masisira pang pagkakaibigan.

hindi lang yung pagkakaibigan namin.

pati yung atin.



handa naman ako.

kung paano ka nilaglag ng minahal mo.

ganun din ako.

alam ko naman na pwedeng dumating dito.

ok na to.

matatanggap ko rin to.

mauuntog din ako.

matututo din ako.

patuloy na uusad.

patuloy na lalakad.

patuloy na makikipagsapalaran.



ayoko lang na dumating ang oras.

wala na ako maramdaman.

na kahit ano.

sa kahit kanino.

kahit kailan.

at kahit saan.




ang mahalaga sakin.

kahit minsan sa aking buhay.

nagpakatotoo ako.

sHouTouTs from tHe soUrcE (#2)

you know the good thing about feeling pain?














is the fact that you're still being true to yourself...

The Cycle

Love conquers all



Someone has to and will get hurt



Life goes on

Buksan Mo!

I read this quote in one of the blogs I stumbled on..

you know something's wrong,

when after a long hiatus,

you start blogging again.

I wanted to believe there's really something wrong with me that made me go back to blogging... But then I tend to think I've never changed. I've only grown a year older.

Yes. You read it right. I'm a year older. Hopefully, as the years pass along my veins, arteries and nerves, I become stronger and better. That even if I have realized that love is something I shouldn't believe in, I'll always have reason to live and pursue whatever I want to happen in my life.

As I was making the picture above to thank all the people who either have been notified by their Facebook Calendars, by groups messages received from others and those who really remembered my birthday, I saw this ad from coke - simple words - yet really inspiring and convincing.. read on...

Ibuhos ang saya hanggang lahat ay mahawa

Buksan ang sarili. Wag pigilin ang tawta

Hatakin ang barkada. Game kahit saan mapunta

Bagong trip, ba't di subukan? Sama ka, 'wag magpaiwan

Kilalanin ang kapitbahay. Batiin ang kaaway

Pag nadapa, bangon lang. Pag may tumawa, bow na lang.

Kung manalo, eh di masaya. Kung matalo, may next time pa.

Kung mahal mo, pakita mo. Walang mawawala sayo.

Pangarap, wag bitawan. Malay mo. Subok lang.

Sama-sama. Salu-salo. Buhay Coke, Buksan mo!

Simple statements I will live by as another book opens for me to write on.

Life's a game. Play on. Play it hard. Play it well!

-seaN j @ 26

Soon!

I'll be back soon!

:)

Latest Mistake

[was originally written in the office, 4th of October 2009]

i am in no condition to work right now. not because i feel sick.. we'll, a little.. would a broken heart be included? but because i drank last night. three bottles of san mig light. i know you'd say, "oh c'mon, three bottles and you're drunk?" but for someone like me who haven't tasted a beer for years, i'd say i'd be drunk on the second. and with a pair of pants smelling like shit cause a friend on mine spilled beer on it, that has made going to work worse.

he brightened up my day. he came home from work and his smile was heavenly. i can definitely stare at his face for a long long time. he wasn't aloof when he sat down and ate his dinner. he was actually speaking up and laughing... and that felt really comfortable. however, he had to go to sleep, work had restrained him from joining our booze fest.

before we went to bed, i got to look at him. a sleeping angel indeed. i wanted to touch him, to caress him, to kiss him, but i just can't. apparently his reluctance to go any further with our budding relationship has created a wall that neither his housemate / my friend can break. now i know how the phrase "so close, yet so far" means.

before i left their house for work, i left a gift beside his pillow. it was a teddy bear, with a tear and a handkerchief which says "i miss you." i really wanted an "i'm sorry" bear - however i wasn't able to find one. i guess this must be the nearest.

i sent him a message the moment i arrived at work. saying that i left a gift for him, more like an apology for what happened before. he said he had forgotten it a long time ago. i asked him if we can go out again - a friendly date, perhaps. he said yes, as long as he is free. i do hope it happens.

before i went to their place, i had mandy moore's latest mistake on the loop on my ipod. i decided to change it to jordin sparks' one step at a time...

[i guess changing it to jordin's one step at a time was my latest mistake after all...]

I Love, You Love...

When I got to listen to this song, I felt connected to it. Something in the words that John Legend wrote made me set my minds into deep thoughts.

In a failing relationship, or a relationship nearing its unfortunate end, there are always two sides - one who is willing to let go, and someone who doesn't or let's say "can't let go." And as most of you won't agree, it will always be the latter whose on the losing game. They are the people who tends to get hurt the most, who probably cries the most and will probably be the ones who will move on the longest.

Would this be good enough to say that the losing side have loved more than the other one?

Consider me biased, but I would say "yes." Although not all the time, but MOST of the time. Consider this logic (or if it even makes logic at all), if the other side has loved as much as the losing side, would they even have doubts of letting go. Love isn't a "maybe" or "i'll think about it." It is either a concrete YES or a concrete NO. Those are the only options. The former may have loved the latter but for sure it is the latter that have love the most.

Most of you would think I am stupid. Or illogical. Or whatever. That what I am trying to say is just the basic setup.. that love is complicated. But isn't it that the only main thing that binds a relationship is love? Would you have a relationship with someone without love?

What's so hard about the losing side is that they tend to keep the faith. And hope. And hold on. And why would the latter hold on for someone that has let go.. someone that has left them hurting... and grieving.. Isn't the pain enough for them to let go? Does the pain brought to them give them justice? Or maybe, just maybe, at an unknown and unexpected spur of a moment - something will happen - a twist of fate, a miracle in the sky or a rainbow after the storm. But in the end, all they get are failed expectations, false hopes and deeper feeling of pain, only to realize that their love story isn't like fairytales and love stories and life has indeed played unfair to them. And they simply have no choice but to accept it, cry it out and move on, hoping the next time they take the ride, nobody leaves no one.

But how do we know when to stop? Do you close yourself to the idea of hoping? Or stop when we have been hurt enough, not by the former, but by yourself?

Do you we even hope in the first place?

-1R4P3-

Busy Me...

Julian is busy...

1. Being placed on the hotseat by their Project Manager...

2. Relaxing his neck and head so that he can hold the violin without using his hands...

3. Looking at multitudes of pictures of photographers thinking he can make shots as good as what they have...

4. Trying to make weaves, butterflies, wraps and flowers using socks filled with crumpled paper...

5. Making sure that his crops won't rot, waiters and chefs won't get tired and he gets to attack people who robbed, fought and hit-listed him...

6. Trying to review his physiology, genetics and virology books, despite the fact the he has no use for it... and he has stacks of pocketbooks and mags to finish...

7. And confused organizing his music files into folders, playlists and ensures that every file has an album art and belongs to a playlist.. this is on top of his future downloads...

8. Scouring the web for the best gay independent films...

9. Getting in touch with all of his friends...

10. Making his heart beat again...





and...


Julian is busy..... writing all other things he wanted to busy himself on...